I can’t believe I’m sitting her typing this at 3:30 in the morning, but I am. I’m getting angrier by the minute that I can’t fall asleep and that my heart is racing for no good reason. This happens to me a few times a year, and like a dummy, I allow it to get the better of me instead of going with the flow.
The worst part of all is that I’m actually exhausted.
I suppose I should be thankful because it allows me a few moments to write a blog post, something I haven’t tackled since my birthday because I’ve been too busy.
There are many of you who suffer the same. Insomnia is awful. The house is quiet, it’s raining, and every once in a while I see a flash of light and hear a slight rumble of thunder.
You’d think I’d be able to sleep after the week I had, listening to the rain fall, but I think my adrenaline is going strong.
Just this week, I had a crown replaced on my tooth and I visited the doctor for my spine, which hasn’t been the same since March 2019. I also worked my butt off trying to get ready for the fall semester at my university. I’m teaching five classes, and there was a lot of preparation for those courses. Ironically, my back isn’t bothering me in the least bit.
My head seems to have taken over.
When you’re up at this hour and the rest of the world is sleeping, it can be creepy, but it also gives you the endless silence to think, pray, or meditate. I’ve tried all three, and at the moment, the only thing that’s keeping me sane is hearing my fingers click on the keyboard.
Two weeks ago for my birthday, my husband bought me a boat.
You heard me. A boat.
It was one of the best surprises of my life. I was gobsmacked.
It’s a used boat that belonged to our friends, but they upgraded, and it allowed us an opportunity to get a boat from people who took good care of it, along with an existing slip that’s just a little over a mile away from our house. It’s perfect.
You would think I wouldn’t have anxiety because the water calms me. As I’ve recently learned that I’m a full-blown empath, I grew to understand as well why I have the extreme need to be near or on the water. The empath book taught me so much about myself and helped me put the puzzle together of why I am the way I am.
So, bingo there.
But then we have the insomnia thing again.
Periodically, throughout my life, I’ve been tortured with being unable to fall asleep. I remember being afraid that Dracula was going to come in my room and bite my neck when I was a kid in my room in Bowie, MD. I slept with my cross over my bed (it’s still with me as a married woman next to my bed on the wall), and was ready to ward off any caped men with long teeth. A bunch of the neighborhood kids and I had walked up to the elementary school to see the Saturday movie in the cafeteria. It happened to be “Dracula,” and it kept me awake for many, many nights after seeing the movie.
Typically when I have insomnia, it’s not because I’m worrying about any one thing. It’s typically a culmination of things. The list today is a long one, so I won’t trouble you with it here, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a glass of wine next to me as I write this and attempt to coax myself to sleep.
The worst part of having insomnia is that it kills you the next day, and the one after that. It takes several days to feel normal again, if any of us is even capable of feeling normal during these unprecedented times. I’m certain that I’m feeling less and less normal with each passing day, which is a terrible thing to say as someone who typically tries to find the good in things and stay optimistic.
I have a boat, and I’m an empath with anxiety.
How’s that shaking out for me thus far?